Suffering and Shortcuts

*Note:

This post includes some photos of the effects of Ollie' s last, very harsh round of chemo. While I don't consider the photos gross or gruesome, I realize that some may find them upsetting and if you are one who might, I suggest you skip this post. Rest assured that his pain is being well managed and his post-chemo burns and bruises are healing. 

On Sunday Abby and I went to mass while Mario was with Ollie at CHEO.  I am always comforted by mass, but I do find the prayers of intention difficult these days as I know they'll read Ollie's name under the sick that we should pray for. I tear up every time and usually whomever I'm with (Marie-France, Maria, Claudia, etc.) does, too. Each time I pass around tissues and compose myself to get through the rest of the mass. Sometimes a song lyric makes me weepy, too. Mass is emotional for me because it is the place where I feel most that everyone around me is praying for us. Truly I know you're doing it in your own homes, too. 

On Sunday, our priest Monsignor Hans delivered a homily that felt like he was speaking directly to me. So much so that I took notes, which Abby thought was weird (I guess it was, but didn't want to forget any key messages). He talked about suffering and how there are no shortcuts through suffering. Boy can we relate to that.

Ollie got second degree burns from the adhesives on the bandaids and medical tape on his body after this round of chemo.

 He also has bruising and bed sores from his low neutrophils (still neutropenic at 0.1) and post-chemo reaction. 

Monsignor spoke of faith as a long game and how these are confusing and dark times in the world and faith is needed more now than ever. He said the way forward will be long and unknown, but that we must be open to the things that are coming. Once again it was like he was speaking about our situation specifically, even though I know he was referring to the seeming lack of faith, kindness and caring for our fellow humans in the world right now.

He also asked:

- Has my faith grown stronger/deeper in the last 10 years?

- What have I invested in my faith?

- How can I strengthen my connection to God?

- How can I connect others to the faith?

I was able to agree that in the last handful of years I have deepened and invested in my faith by participating in so many activities in the Church. And by extension I have gotten so much more back from my investment. Peace, faith, positivity, dear friends, strength, etc. That investment is what is sustaining me through this, the most difficult time of my life to-date.

And from there he went on to talk about community and evangelism explaining that it is about bringing faith to others who have lost it or never known it. This struck me as uncanny because Charity (dear friend who is also the youth minister) and I had a conversation 4 years ago about how she thought I was an evangelist for community. At the time I laughed, but recently I called and told her I now understood that she was right and I am an evangelist. Not in the Billy Graham kind of way, but rather in that here I am sharing our story that is resonating with so many following it, being honest about my faith and its role in all of this and people are responding. Here are some examples of beautiful messages I've received:

My response to each of them was that it helps me to know that if some people rekindle their faith because of our situation, then something positive is coming from this experience.

So in this time of fear and darkness in the world right now, we are now also faced with the Coronavirus and the death and fear it is leaving in its wake. It's actually affecting us directly, in fact. Don't worry, we don't have Coronavirus, but Sick Kids Hospital called me today about his stem cell transplant and given world concerns over it's spread, health organizations around the world are now recommending that all transplants with anonymous donors only happen right now if absolutely necessary. Also, the first donor couldn't be reached and the second is willing, but can't do it until late April. Sick Kids doesn't want us to wait, but feels that the best chance now is Abby. 

They said with the anti-rejection drugs today, they have done many successful half match transplants. If he does reject, given timelines and safety concerns now, the backup would be myself or Mario. 

Our funny, strong, dramatic daughter will now be the best sister ever giving her own life saving stem cells to her brother. 

 I wept quietly while talking to the Bone Marrow Transplant team. I so hoped we wouldn't have to ask this of her, but she has said from the outset that she would absolutely do it. In fact, she has prayed about it every night.

There is good news in that we did bank her cord blood and they're going to look at whether there is enough volume to use. Also, because of her blood type if they have to harvest directly from her they plan to take her blood instead of her bone marrow. They'd basically give her an injection called the G-CSF (Ollie has had this after each round of chemo to boost his production of white blood cells and neutrophils) once a day for four days, then take her blood. It immediately goes into a machine like they use for  dialysis and separates out her rich stem cells. Normally this takes a day and would be done right before his transplant.

They now want Abby in Toronto on Monday to do her work up and then we'll come back until Ollie is needed in Toronto for March 23 to prepare for his radiation to start April 1. So harvesting/transplant day is tentatively April 9. 

So many other things have happened in the last days, but all of them pale in comparison to this news. 

I want to thank the St. George School community for their generous donations to help us with expenses for our three month trip to Toronto and my brother for starting a Go Fund Me campaign to help us with expenses and covering loss of income now that I have officially applied for employment insurance for caretaker leave. People are overwhelmingly generous and we are so grateful, but also mindful that so many have already helped us enormously in so many ways. We mostly just need your continued positivity and prayers. And hugs (when you're well)!