Critical Caregiving Mamas

I've been thinking a lot recently about motherhood and how we are supported by other mothers as we raise our children. When you become a mother for the first time it can strangely be a very lonely time. A time when you're so busy and overwhelmed that you don't always have the time or energy to maintain friendships with other women, and yet you so desperately need them to feed your soul and keep you sane. Eventually you fall into your "tribe", often becoming closest to other mothers, who have children of similar ages who are your children's friends. I am fortunate to have such a tribe of strong mamas around me daily. But cancer has also brought an unexpected bounty of mamas to my extended tribe.

Before cancer I always made it my goal to try to be as good as I could at motherhood, even though I found it frequently challenging. I always told myself that at the end of my life when I have left my legacy, I want it to be that I was a good mom and raised kind humans.  

The day to day trials and tribulations that you have to go through as a mother sometimes seem like an endless line of thankless tasks. And then there are the moments of pure unadulterated joy with and pride in your children when you know all of the hard moments were worth it for that one beautiful, heartbursting moment of mutual love and adoration.  

I've been complimented very often over the past year on my parenting and how I have handled everything about Ollie's illness as a mother. People marvel at my strength, just as I have done same for others I knew who handled similar before me. My response is always the same as theirs was...that you just do it, because what else would you or could you do? We had to save our children. It's really not so extraordinary when you are one of too many of us who have had to fight this battle. Some of the best mamas that I know today have been through a lot of unimaginable things. 

That's not to say that the dads aren't amazing parents through this, too because they are and I am really grateful that my kids have a devoted father who has been there every step of the way, also doing everything to save our son. And I met several fathers who were their sick kid's primary caregiver, but obviously it is most often the mothers like me. So I want to take a moment to pay tribute to the mamas with sick kids who have walked my path before me and with me. 

There's an old Sick Kids Hospital Mother's Day commercial called Sick Kids VS. Momstrong that shows moms as superheroes, but not because they're always strong. Quite the contrary, it shows us as vulnerable, fearful, agonized, exhausted and yet we persist. We get up from our knees, wherever we have lay down curled up in a ball, or just get out of the shower where we were sobbing in private agony. We put on our armour and we go back into battle for our kids because they need us and we can't breath without them.

At the beginning of this I knew moms who had kids with long term medical issues and a couple of moms whose children had leukemia. Along the way, other friends have connected me to mothers that they knew who have fought for their child's life against cancer. Still others I have met online through social media and cancer forums. Some are from Ottawa, others from Toronto, and many live in different cities around the world. I've never met any of them in person, yet they have been selfless and unwavering confidants and advisors. If you would have told me a year ago that I would go through all of this and that there would be amazing women who I had never met who would step forward to support me in my worst hours, I couldn't have believed that this was really possible. 

Why would someone put themselves out there to help someone they don't even know, bear all the agony that I was going through and possibly trigger their own post traumatic stress disorder?! Yet they did! You would think they would want to hide from anything that would remind them of their kids being so sick, and yet there they were coming forward willingly, offering support and giving advice. Holding me up and pushing me forward, often when I didn't know how to keep going or what to do next. So many fierce, yet kind caregiver mamas like: Samar, Christine, Melissa, Emily, Julia, Lisa, Kelly, Sam, Chris, and Marion. 

Or even stronger mamas like Carolyn and Jill who fought, but still lost their babies. They did everything right as mothers and caregivers, but senselessly and unfairly lost their babies anyways. And still these superheroes persist in continuing to support people like me, so that we can try to hold on to our babies in ways that they were unable to. True selflessness. 

I am also blessed to have many amazing women, and many great mamas, in my everyday life who have nurtured and mothered me and my family over the last year as we battled Ollie's disease. I have written about many of them and each and every one of them has my deepest affection and gratitude for always being there when we needed them. 

Women are amazing and at their best when they're good to each other and raising each other up. Thank you all for being part of my tribe.

Insurance is the best policy...

People in my family have never been big savers or investers, but they have always believed in having at least life insurance.

As I started my adult life, got a good full time job and was working to pay off my student loans in my mid-20's, I met a certified financial planner/investment adviser. Sean Salter convinced me to let him do a no obligation free financial plan for me to recommend some investments. As a planner by nature the idea of having a financial plan appealed to me. He taught me about compound interest and saving for the future. When I met Mario and we started our life together, Sean helped us to build a new plan and we included insurance as part of it. 

Abby came along and we bought a registered educational savings plan (RESP) and life insurance for her. When Ollie came along and we met with Sean to set up his RESP and life insurance, Sean told us about a new dual insurance policy that he'd just bought for his own kids that included both life AND critical illness insurance. The critical illness policy would give us money to help with loss of income if ever he became critically ill and one of us had to be off work to care for him. The difference in price was minor, so we bought the new policy and changed Abby's to the same type as well.

In the back of my mind I always thought about my grandpa who had cancer of the larnyx when my dad was just a kid. I remember stories of how my grandma had to go to work after being a stay at home mom and each of the kids had part time jobs (my dad's older siblings were teenagers) to help with family finances while my grandpa was sick. It always made me anxious to think that something like this could happen to our family, so I bought the insurances just in case, never really believing we'd ever have to use them.

My Grandpa and Grandma, Uncle Roy, Aunt Bonnie and my dad, Duncan in happier times before Grandpa had cancer and had his larnyx removed.

Grandpa survived, learned to talk through a burp without his larnyx (voicebox), survived cancer in his mouth years later and passed from it the third time in his throat almost 25 years after he had it the first time. He was a strong cancer warrior who just couldn't hold back the war that cancer waged in his body. And my grandmother was the epitome of strength and grace through it all. Her faith in God and gratitude for all that people did to help them remained strong her entire life. She told me when I was growing up that if you could help someone you always should, because we all need help at some point in our life. She was so very wise and I wish so much that she was still with us (she died two months before Ollie was born) as I know she'd understand how we feel right now as few others could.

My grandpa's socks that I got after he passed from cancer almost 30 years ago. They are magic socks that never wear out and always comfort me.

Fast forward to November 19, 2019 when we got the news at CHEO that our son was critically ill with lymphoma. Mario and I were sitting in an exam room while Ollie was with the social worker in the playroom and we were waiting for the oncologist. We started discussing what we'd need to do to get Ollie well and that one of us would need to be off of work. Mario reminded me that we had bought a critical illness policy for the kids and asked if we still had it. Honestly my brain was so overwhelmed that I had no clue what we had and didn't have beyond lymphoma at that moment. So I sent an email to Sean explaining the situation and asking him to confirm if we still had the policy for Oliver. Ever the most reliable advisor around Sean responded almost immediately, expressing his sorrow at our need for it and confirming that yes, we still had the policy and he'd put things in motion to collect on it.

Sean and his team took care of everything respectfully and efficiently. He even came to the hospital to pick up our signed forms during round 1 of chemo, bringing Ollie a gift as well and he delivered the cheque in person to our house yesterday. 

At a time when I'd never felt so stressed, sick and scared in my entire life, knowing that at least we wouldn't have to worry about money during his treatments was a true Godsend. Since my Employer has been amazing and allowed me to take all of my banked leave first, I continue to get my salary until late February, then I'll apply for Employment Insurance and we'll use the insurance money to pay the other 57% of my regular salary. Assuming his 8 months of treatments work and he does not relapse, we'll be okay financially, but we have agreed to be careful with the money in case we need to stretch it further if he needs more treatments. As always, it's the unknown that makes me anxious.

Once again, I feel like we were being equipped for this journey all along. We are so thankful for Sean and his unwavering good advice. If you don't have a Sean, consider getting one and if you're not a proponent of insurance, maybe our story will change your mind. Special thanks to my family for always teaching me to buy the insurance.

https://www.sunlife.ca/slfas/Health/Critical+illness+insurance?vgnLocale=en_CA