'Tis the Season

We've been silent since Monday, because we've been enjoying every moment of Christmas at home. 

My mom and stepdad arrived on Christmas Eve and the kids were beyond excited. We often have a quiet Christmas here with us and Mario's mom and they're always lucky, but there's nothing quite like the chaos of a family Christmas. Last year for example, we were in California with my mom and stepdad and my brother's family. My mom has said many times in recent weeks how grateful she is that we all took that trip given what we're dealing with this year. So Gamma and Bumpa were here and Christmas felt like a special occasion, which we all really needed this year. 

Sadly, Mario's mom was down and out with a bad cold that she didn't want to pass on to any of us given how dangerous it could be for Ollie. On Christmas Day, Mario took her a Christmas dinner and her presents, wearing a mask and gloves to protect us all. That's our new reality and it's hard not to offend anyone given the precautions we have to take now. 

Even in mass I felt that way. Abby sang with a special choir on Christmas Eve at our church, so mom and I went to hear her solo. She did beautifully and it brought tears to my eyes. Multiple times during mass after touching surfaces and after shaking hands (sharing the sign of peace) with those around us, mom and I used hand sanitizer and I'm sure people around us who didn't know our situation either thought we were hypochondriacs or very rude assuming everyone around us had bad germs. Unfortunately my son's health trumps anyone else's feelings or assumptions right now.

I find myself frequently feeling Ollie's forehead for fever. If I wake in the night, I go to his room and check it. When he wakes, I check it. He may end up a hypochondriac himself after this! LOL

We are so grateful to so many friends who are being so understanding and getting flu shots for us, using the hand sanitizer when they pop by our place and step inside the door and don't come around when they are feeling unwell. These are all little gestures that they are feeling for us and helping in ways that they can. 

So Christmas was lovely and the kids were happy with their (too) many gifts. We watched movies, played games, visited with my parents and just enjoyed being together. 

On Boxing Day Ollie did get a bit of cabin fever and was sad and mad that he couldn't go out someplace in public. He and I had a long cuddle and talked about trying to change our definition of fun and thinking about fun things we COULD do together at home. We made a list of things and everyone participated in things like laser tag and give and go seek, even Gamma and Bumpa to his delight. 

On the 27th Gamma and Bumps went back to Southwestern Ontario and Ollie and I had to head back to CHEO for his regular Friday PICC dressing change. It was a hard afternoon with him refusing to cooperate despite the fact that he's had this done 4 times already and is not that big of a deal. It's the fact that he doesn't get to control what is happening to his body that upsets him. When he says no we still have to do it to protect him. 

I also think it was reality returning because he knows we'll be back there again for 6 days as of Monday for round 2 of chemo. He was super angry at me for making him go there and very mean to me as a result. Normally I can take it and tell him to be bad at me versus the doctors and nurses who are trying to help him, but I was sad for him and tired and frustrated. The child life specialist helped me to calm him somewhat and got us out the door after a lot of stomping and punching walls (him not me). When we got in the van which I guess is our safe place now, he began to sob. Then I did, too. 

I haven't let myself do this too often. Yes, I'm often in tears and swiping them away (usually at the kindness of others), but I've only let myself have a couple of big cries and mostly in the shower when he can't hear. I don't want him to think he won't make it and that's not what I think either. It's just that this journey is so often overwhelming and even the strongest of us need to let it all out to cleanse our emotional well being from time to time. So as I sobbed, Ollie calmed down and asked me if I was okay and started apologizing for making me cry. My boy is very empathetic and is like this with his sister when she is sad, too. I explained that mommy tries to be strong for him and didn't want to force him to do these things, but wants so desperately for him to be well that she'll do even the hardest things to make that happen. That I know it makes him unhappy now, but we must endure it so that we can all have a long and happy life together after cancer. Finally we talked about how anger and sadness are okay and normal, but we can't hurt each other when we feel that way. Short-term pain, long term gain is pretty tough for kids to get. 

So we hugged and headed to Tim Horton's for a drive through treat and agreed to go home and enjoy our two days off at home before going back Monday to kick cancer out some more. He says he wants to start the Kids Kicking Cancer martial arts in the new year so that maybe that can help him not to feel so angry. So young and yet such a wise old soul already. 

We are okay and happy to have had this time at home. We'll update you on Monday on round 1. Hugs to all and enjoy your time together!