New Year, New Outlook

Ringing in the new year with apple juice and sparkling grape juice in fancy glasses. He was asleep by 9 after chemo and Gravol. I was asleep by 11 pm. Party animals!

Happy New Year! 

Each New Year people make resolutions they often don't follow through on, and spend time looking back and taking stock. As a planner, I love to look at what I've learned to-date, celebrate successes and plan a path forward to achieve more, but I don't believe in making resolutions. I make commitments every day and do everything I can to follow through on them when I make them. I am teaching my kids to do same. 

So on this New Year's day 2020 I commit to getting my son well this year, keeping my little family together physically and emotionally as much as I can, and taking care of me as much as is possible so that at the end of all of this I don't crash physically or mentally. At this time I know I can't take on more than that and feel bad about it, but hope others will understand given our situation. 

The last few days as we started round 2 have been difficult. The chemo is going okay , although Ollie was sick the first night, so we have kept on top of the nausea since and taken the Gravol when needed to keep him comfortable during chemo. The chemo itself happens every day he is in hospital and, takes about an hour by IV each day for 5 days. The rest of the day he just gets hydration on his IV, so he's always connected to his line there and drags a pole and pump around everywhere. 

It's his mental state that has been challenging lately. He is fighting being back at CHEO every step of the way and insistent he is going home TODAY no matter what we say. The oncologist suggested we involve the social worker more and honestly after his last fight, I needed to talk to her for my own mental stability. 

She acknowledged that my concern about his mental state and getting through this is a common concern of parents going through cancer with their kids. She also shared that there is a lot of research on childhood trauma and kids' ability to bounce back from it that shows that overwhelmingly they do as long as they still have positivity in their lives. Also that most kids come out of this stronger and more grateful. She told me he seems to be teetering between denial and grief for the loss of his normal life. His reaction is more extreme than most. He's always been a highly sensitive kid and needed routines to anchor his days and notice of change to transition well into whatever comes next. 

The social worker, child life team and the psychologist will be working with us gong forward to help Ollie with the transition to get to acceptance and less post traumatic stress reactions (and it could actually be PTSD as kids suffering from critical illnesses often have it even during their treatment, not just after). Oh the lessons we are learning...

So this is our time to focus on our family and put all of our energies there. A good friend and former teacher of Abby's sent me a lovely message when we got the diagnosis. She said our family is always giving and helping where we can, but now is our time to receive and we need to let people help us. Giving has always been easier than receiving for me. Although, I once had a dear friend accuse me of being self-involved and it hurt me deeply because I always considered myself to be a giving and caring person. In the end that friendship fizzled despite my trying harder to be a better friend. Through the experience I realized maybe it was more about that friend and their neediness than it was about me. 

Another dear friend who went through the cancer journey with her mom a few years ago today reminded me that, "You are saving your son's life..." and, "You can do this, but you need to give yourself permission to take what you need." She is a very wise woman and so incredibly giving to those she loves. 

So we have started the New Year as we finished the last, taking care of our little family, but now looking beyond just our physical needs. 

Daddy spends time with Ollie in hospital, which helps Ollie to escape reality a bit as he is better at play than mommy.

Abby spends girl time with Mommy to ensure she knows how important she still is despite Ollie's treatments.

Wishing you all a 2020 filled with joy and good physical and mental health!